The Sounds of the Examination

Chern Yuen suggested that I should make my posts more reader-friendly

Have you noticed the astonishing range of sounds produced by students taking examinations? Most probably not, since most of us would be so engrossed in tackling the paper that we are oblivious to our surroundings. In the past, I used to think that examination halls are among the quietest places on earth, ranking way up there alongside theatres and churches. So deep-seated was this impression that I even tried to rationalise it by thinking it to be natural for exam halls to be quiet since everybody is working so hard on the paper that no one finds the spare time and effort to talk.

That false impression probably anchored itself in my conciousness because I myself tried to focus on the paper as much as possible, so much so that my subconcious blocked out any sounds as unwanted interruptions and ceased to register them as sounds. At least that is my theory. This time round, I somehow managed to notice the sounds made in the exam hall during the past few papers. If you are willing to really slow down and listen to the surroundings, there exists a truly amazing plethora of sounds ranging from the scratch of coarse pen tips on the paper, the din of desks and chairs being dragged around, to the crash of the plastic correction tape casings as they are thrown down on the desk. Hell, when you really put that pen down and listen, even things like the invigilator’s shoe soles rubbing on the tile flooring and the creak of the ceiling fans with the old bearings can be heard.

Putting my heart into listening, I realised how quiet I am during examinations. Alongside the people who sigh loudly, heave noisy breaths, I truly am quiet. The single most common and defining thing I keep hearing is the sound of people throwing their correction tape dispensers onto the desk. Perhaps it’s because I don’t often hear such noises, perhaps it’s because I don’t use correction tape at all. It may be that the relatively quiet environment of the exam hall make that jarring sound stand out, but I think the real reason why I always hear these sounds is that many of the people around me are frustrating themselves over the paper. After all, the frequent sounds of sighs and loud breaths do add up to that conclusion, and that is not censurable. For all I know, maybe I sighed and snorted and banged on the desk before I came to this realisation, that is what stress does to people.

I think the real reason why I didn’t notice the cacophony of the exam halls before this is because I was focused entirely on the paper and racking my brains over it. Well, presently I think perhaps punishing myself with shallow breaths, tense muscles and risking mental blocks may not be the best way to tackle exams, or any written assessment for that matter. When I set down my pen in the middle of the Geography paper on Tuesday, it was then that I realised how refreshing it can be to step back from the war going on within yourself and contemplate the battlefield. Not unlike taking a break from the rat race that is life, really.

CSE

I was plowing through SMB for information about the Current Affairs tomorrow when Icame across the CSE Digest which I didn’t manage to read last time. I remember making the mental note to read it when I have the time, but eventually I just forgot about it in the barrage of things that came at me this past week.

The digest got me thinking about thise 2 years of my life that I spent reading in CSE. I am not going to be ashamed to say that it was with great excitement and expectations that I regarded CSE when it was first rolled out end of 2007. From what I sense, most people around me were actually quite apprehensive or even skeptical about the programme but at that point in time this apprehension was just simmering below the surface. Perhaps at Secondary 2, I was more receptive towards school initiatives and tended to put more trust into them – I was actually looking forward to the affective care aspect of CSE. Believe it or not, the Secondary 2 version of me thought having a CSE mentor is extremely cool; the general feeling that CSE mentors are of not much practical use only came to the forefront around mid-Sec 3, mainly because both my mentor and I did not have the initiative to craft a good relationship. Perhaps choosing a mentor that I did not know previously was not that good a choice. Maybe it was the cultural barrier.

2009 is a good year. I started out with a new mentor which I had known for years an can communicate with very well and I can feel the relationship there. Frankly, I have descended to the level of thinking that CME interviews and mentor-mentee sessions are just gimmicks to show off future school last year, but the recent session really got me thinking with the good atmosphere. It just felt good. I think the mentoring system should be reviewed somewhat and its importance stressed to the students so that it will be more meaningful for our juniors. It really is a matter of relationship and rapport. Most people find Mr Yang Wenzhong very difficult to connect with, but I think otherwise.

Apart from the affective education, the CSE system is really a large shift away from the conventional ideas of school life in Hwa Chong. Maybe it’s only this way for those of us in HP, but that’s a sensitive issue that I shall not broach. Walking around the school like nomads may be a source of ridicule but frankly we have already gotten used to this system, despite what some people may say. The idea of having a fixed seat in a classroom is far from all of our minds; vying for power points to charge up laptops is as much a part of our culture as the waterproof uniform and the practical jokes. I suspect this nomadic way of life is taking its toll on us, but lugging all those bags and computers around have become a habit I guess. The constant moving around sort of prevents us from settling into a comfort zone – just when you are getting comfortable in a classroom the lesson ends and you move out. This should be good for learning, but I don’t think I want to have this kind of life after I graduate. As much as it’s politically incorrect to say this in competitive Singapore, the droning monotony of routine is actually very reassuring. Just like studying for exams are less stressful than doing any serious research.

Yeah, I just had to trash that out before going to bed.

Nine hundred and ninety nine words

Starting from yesterday, I am no longer required to attend Chinese Drama club activities. Apparently most other CCAs have already stood down their Sec 4s some time ago, but it seems that this change is affecting me significantly more than other people.

Perhaps its because I never used to study too much for my tests and examinations; or because I had always been so obsessed with my CCA that I don’t notice; or maybe it’s just the realisation that activities are going on, it’s just that I am not there, but I felt just a tad quirky on Friday afternoon. I had a bit of polishing up to do with my China Studies paper, so I stayed in the library for a few hours, all those people milling around busily, typing on their computer or even ploughing through revision worksheets sort of reminded me that the annual mugging season, epitome of which is during the Sec 4 year, has begun.

Apart from the realisation that the my studies in Hwa Chong Institution are coming to an end (Of course you may say the JC is also Hwa Chong, but it will never match the spirit that flourishes in an all-male environment, as much as their cheering often comes off as more enthusiastic.), there is also this sense of finality in terms of 华岗剧坊. Han Yang told me that I was “stabbed” to open the theatre for them at 8 am today. On the contrary, I was quite happy to have the chance to just walk around and look at my juniors going about their things without having to be responsible for anything apart from the theatre hardware.

Gone are the days when I walked around and shouted at people playing the fool. It may seem otherwise sometimes, but I am actually glad that my time have passed. Perhaps its excessive linkage, but I think the reason why most CCAs have their leaders last only one batch is because of the toll it takes on them personally. Fundamentally, student leadership in high school is awkward because it involves telling your peers what to do and dealing with immature people that usually does not have a vested interest to obey you. Not only do people often question why somebody equal in age and experience as them get to be the chief, the chief also asks this question of himself, and for me it led to almost obsessive perfectionism just to reconcile the fact that I call the shots with myself. As a matter of common knowledge, I can be extremely loud and demanding (basically a total arse)if I want to; but deep down I actually wish to smile and keep at doing my own thing happily, typical introvert.

Somebody said something about the internet and social networking causing people to post things they would never say in real life, I think it was Lit Xian. Not really a bad thing I guess, since it allows me to get all these things off myself. I think only a few people know that I like to make props more than doing anything else in a production team, and on my own at that; and I don’t think anybody knows why I don’t talk to people when I am making props, other than the occasional instruction to a helper. This may be slightly anti-social, but when I am making props I am actually indulging in the technicalities, all the kerf widths, mitre angles, whether the surface will hold epoxy resin, whether I should prime the board with titanium dioxide and paint it or sand and shellack it etc. Sort of similar to when I polish shoes or hone blades, I take refuge from the mental barrage of everyday life in good old hard work, work that don’t carry any political connotations or social consequences. Maybe it would be more ethical to use a vice or organise the toolbox properly instead of having another drama club member stabilise the workpiece for me or fetch tools, but that’s how I see it, which explains why I don’t talk.

Another reason why I like to make props and construct sets for the production rather than do anything else is because I get to take a break from scolding people for mistakes and bad attitude and actually enjoy the kind of life I set out to experience when I joined the club. Not trying to explain myself here, but playing the role of the enforcer is tiring and unrewarding. The only reason I worked hard as stage manager for Tan Kah Kee is responsibility towards the club and the teachers. Scolding everybody and making everybody unhappy does no good at all, but it was necessary because somebody has to do it if the show is going to work out. I guess quite some people would jump at the chance to be SM for the show, mainly because they don’t know how it feels to have to make yourself as taut as piano wire all the time just so you are ready to spring and take charge of the situation when it arises. Those few days at the console rendered me incapable of any amount of socialising, which was why I ate alone and spoke only to command.

Now that I am in the position to just look on as an alumnus of  华岗剧坊 and smile at the juniors taking a 10 ppi monster to a 3mm sheet of laminate, it occurs to me that my responsibilities during the last 12 months have taught me that sometimes it is better to be the one receiving the orders than the one barking it.

Call me resigned to mediocrity all you want, but I think life is more than climbing to the top that society has defined. It’s about those little instances of beauty that you feel and see all around you.

Even the silence and the darkness in the night; even that in an empty theatre, is beautiful, if you would just stop and feel it.

Just so I don’t lose touch

Well I guess the only thing I can do to help myself stay in the habit of blogging is to blog more. While I can’t really find the motivation to blog often in the rat-race I call a life, I do so cherish this avenue through which I can write whatever I want instead of rambling about Macbeth or poverty in Africa. Funny isn’t it, that the very thing I blog to escape from is stopping me from blogging by taking up what little time and energy I have.

Life has been just normal recently with a few interesting twists I guess. Courtesy of the H1N1 outbreak, we were blessed with one whole week of IT home learning. That is fast becoming an instant personal hit, not only because I get to bum around but because I truly believe I learn better that way. Sometimes its a chore to sit in a classroom full of people, having to behave like a social being and learn at the same time. Ah, the ultimate introvert, ain’t I ? Yet I crave company sometimes, how contradictory indeed. Life.

School life has been filled with talk and activity about H1N1, sanitisation and the sorts, now that our position is looking quite precarious. Otherwise, life continues as per normal for most of the time, with me discovering the quality of service of HP Singapore. I have been hearing about the service problems with HP from all over, but apparently it’s quite acceptable to me. Other than the slightly obscure wherabouts of the service centre, everything was quite good. From the furnishing to the thoughful refreshments and the professional no-questions-asked attitude, it was a pleasant experience for me.

To tell the truth, I actually like my netbook better than the old notebook I was using, just because of the solid construction. I don’t think many people know this, but I am a real sucker for drastically overengineered industrial things. Perhaps its just a male thing or perhaps its a paraphilia, but I chose this notebook in the first place because of the gorgeous aluminium shell and the insanely stiff chasis over the flimsy Aspire ONE. The trade off between the Atom 1.6 and a burning VIA chipset is worth it to me, but I would have done better to wait a few months for the 2140. Awww. With the screen replaced, I don’t have to look at the two ants which got behind the perspex anymore and the scratches are gone too. Along with the high density case (yeah, I know, so what if I can drop my laptop on the floor) I picked up its quite a good set up for mobility. I think.

It was pretty much a good thing that I got my mininote back and managed to load it up with Jaunty. It certainly feels good

Thats it for now.

意犹未尽

忙了将近四个月，终于把《陈嘉庚》这一台”华侨中学呈现，华岗剧坊承制”的戏给完成了。过去这三天在剧场里的日子，学到的技术上的东西要比平时一年来得多。不仅仅这样，三天的不见天日也让我认清楚自己到底是怎样看待戏剧这门艺术的。

星期六晚上是华中创办九十年的校庆演出，可谓最重要的一场；早上我还没法直接到剧场去准备，得到国大去参加一个仪式去拿了一张奖状。一有机会马上溜出来赶到剧场去，匆匆忙忙换上黑衣服就开始忙着弄喷雾机、做标记。反正技术上面可能出错的东西一样一样地试过。去年华岗艺韵严格来说我当的是舞台监督，不过其实主要还是在演戏；何况在戏剧中心做小品专场，其实也没有什么好监督的，顶多是充当道具组长安排抢景、维持纪律……这次踏进正规剧场做舞监，自是另一番风味。

“舞台监督”一词概括得如此之广，自然是什么都要管。

剧场艺术这东西，人家说是遗憾的艺术；而我觉的它其实更是集体的艺术。戏剧理论会告诉你，只要一个人有意识地在别人面前行动，而旨在让别人看到他的行动，就足以构成”表演”。然而，现代戏剧表演不局限于外在的行动，而更加注重行动背后的潜台词；而演员的表演也需要一群同心协力的幕后人员来衬托，方可成事。有一句话，我忘了从何处听来，时常跟华岗会员们说：剧组就像一台复杂的机器，只要确保它无间地正常运作，争取不要出现需要救场的情况。

是的，舞台是一台由导演、舞监们建立起来的机器；一旦剧组走出了排练场，进了剧场，导演就不再插手舞台上的运作了。舞台监督的职责就是确保导演作出的艺术选择(Artistic Choices)在剧场里得到完善的实践。换言之，舞台监督就是剧组这台机器的机械工程师，负责确保机器在关键时机的正常运作。一台戏的演出过程当中，灯光、音效、

抢景、抢装的协调都由舞台监督负责。

这次《陈嘉庚》我作为舞台监督实属感触良多。自从我中二开始参加戏剧活动，可说从来没有感觉过如此多方面的压力。一言概括，我这次作为舞台监督终于感觉到了”万事都想亲历亲为”是怎么一回事。舞台监督需要负的责任之多，让我恨不得自己上去抢景；自己控制灯光、音响。当了这一回的舞监，我领悟到了戏剧不止是集体艺术这么简单。戏剧会让人恨不得自己亲自去做，但是这们艺术的精华在于信任。导演把戏托付给舞监是一种信任；演员让人帮忙抢装是另一种信任；舞台监督把演出的灯光、电声效果托付给控制台上的人员也是信任。

戏剧这们艺术的中心思想在于信任他人；及对他人给予自己的信任负责。

我发现，一旦接受了这种互相依靠、息息相关的关系，我不再同自己挣扎是否要让别人去做；我感觉到的是一种在黑暗冷漠的后台发光发热的温馨。

这次的演出，我意犹未尽。

Another One

There seems to be a pattern to changes in my states-of-mind. I know, people always say that life is full of ups and downs, but I didn’t really expect it to manifest itself in this form. I seem to be constantly alternating between stages of being low-down and disillusioned and times when I am hyped-up and motivated. Invariably, the motivation and buzz wears off after a while and there is a period when I feel all the effort taking its toll before something arrives to spark off the flames of passion, leaving me feeling reinvigorated and powerful. It seems that I am in one of my motivated spells now.

On Saturday, I was trying hard to relate the storyline and blocking cues to the actors for the SYF play. It all seemed yesterday but when it comes to actually remembering the small details, you feel the full force of lapsed time. To tell the truth, I was bordering on losing the feel for the character, having being submerged in all the mundane details like props and blocking. I feel the bitter bile of frustration rising, compounded by the fact that we were doing it outside the Black Box in the still and hot morning air. Then the teachers arrived, one before the other and both watched the progress, dropping small reminders and suggestions occasionally.

After quite a bit of effort and time, not to mention gallons of sweat, we managed to get through three quarters of the show. There was a funny part. Unexpectedly,the familiar booming laughter sounded out.

“这戏感觉怎么这么好啊？”

That did it for me. The laughter did. Everything flowed back to me. I was on stage again, getting roasted alive by the lamps on full force; listening to the laughter in the auditorium, only semi-aware. All of a sudden, I realised how acting can be euphoria at its best; I felt the pride of hearing the applause. The feeling that I was able to evoke reactions in the audience reminded me of the reason I fell in love with the theatrical arts. All the frustration evaporated and I felt empowered to press on. I even found the motivation to edit the script and send it to everyone. For now, I am going for my best. I don’t want to step into the wings with any regrets. I did last year.

It seems that I thrive when there is a goal. It has been like this for some time. Only when I feel the pressure of responsibility would I actually push myself. It was like this for 华岗艺韵; it had been this way for 检阅礼…. But I don’t really set myself goals, or rather, I never really follow through on self-defined goals. Circumstance will set me a goal and I will work towards it. Don’t ask me why. Perhaps my own goals are too long-term to be of much impact on the present; perhaps my goal is just to stay happy.

Whatever, I figure I am happy this way. Working hard and acheiving something is exciting. But I am the kind of person who wants the luxury of extra breathing space in life. Just for this few years, maybe I will stay this way

长裤

The full biege uniform has long been the symbol of Upper Secondary and Junior College students in Hwa Chong Institution. Junior students look on in admiration as their seniors walk about in their different uniforms. I still remember vividly the first few days I was in Hwa Chong for orientation when I would cast my childish eyes upon the seniors and imagined how it would feel to be wearing that uniform. Another issue about the upper secondary uniform that irked me to great lengths at that time was the repeated discussion about implementing the uniform with the long pants in the whole school during assemblies. Now looking from the perspective of a Secondary 4 students, I think I can emphatise with the people who repeatedly demanded for Secondary 3 students to wear long pants citing all sorts of justifications from unsightly leg hair to low temperatures in the increasingly air-conditioned campus. It never occured to me that it may actually be the desire to seem older and more mature that is motivating my peers to always ask for long pants. Now that I look back upon the past, I recall wishing that I was a Secondary 4 student too. To me at that time, the words Secondary Four entailed a plethora of privileges and high status. Its just that this desire to buy into the franchise of the privileged group among the Hwa Chong student population manisfested itself in other ways in me. Perhaps due to the additional maturity acquired in the space of a few months; but more probably due to the fact that I am now among those actually in this uniform, I sort of see the inevitability of such discussions during assembly each year. Instead of looking upon it as an irritating problem the juniors are causing, it helped me to see it as a learning process that is both natural and inevitable. Just as almost every child will go through a phase when he wants to be a policeman/soldier/firefighter, the anxiety about the long pants is just part of the growing pains for most people. Building upon this foundational understanding, I am thus able to see the school’s wisdom in not saying anything about this trend of discussions about long pants among Secondary 3 students. Allowing the revolutionaries among us to vent their angst on campaigning for long pants and then suddenly realising that they are wearing the new uniform would yield much higher pedagogical effect than coming down hard on them for disregarding the school legacy etc.

On the other hand, it is perhaps worth mentioning that wearing the Upper Secondary uniform is actually not all that comfortable. Due to the heavyweight cotton construction, it actually insulates heat quite well and the supposedly existant fire-retardant coating obviously does not help things along . Currently as we approach the long awaited festival of Chinese New Year, the strong winds bring relief to the temperature and more importantly, humidity of Singapore. Wearing the seniors’ uniform these few weeks will likely be quite acceptable in terms of comfort. However I don’t even want to imagine the still and humid months in the middle of the year when it is possible to walk out of the shower stall and feel sticky again immediately. Worse still, Singapore is nominally hotter than Malaysia where I am used to.If our so-called pure geography lessons are to be believed, its because of the typical urban lack of vegetation. Yes, granted that Singapore is supposed to be the Garden City. But still, I live in a relatively quiet and extremely leafy suburb at home but in a concrete and steel structure that rises above all trees when I am in Singapore. As far as I am concerned, Singapore has far too sparse an excuse for foliage and as an irrelevent sidenote that popped into my mind, neither is she the gourmet’s heaven. A nice little place to learn and work in. But let’s just say that I am more suited to living in some place in the tropics that actually resembles the tropics at first glance.

And now back to the comfort issue I have with the seniors’ uniform, I just can’t imagine myself feeling comfortable when I am sweating like a pig inside the thick material. Despite all that, I still call my juniors 短裤 for the fun of it, just as my seniors have done to me. Looking back, there is a sense of realisation that usually its these little things that comprise the school spirit, legacy or whatever you want to call it.

Yes, it might be insulting to be called 短裤; or even more so to walk into an NTU hall with the juniors’ uniform starched stiff and creases sharp ready to present a paper just to have the person-in-charge comment that shorts are not allowed in the building but that an exception will be made. But hell. I love it. Not many people or schools would do that but we are special.

Every length of time, I would have a surge in pride for being a part of Hwa Chong. Just as the Secondary Three students may want to buy into the franchise of the seniors, I had wanted to be part of this family when I was in primary school. Now, Hwa Chong blood is boiling in my veins. One last cheer during the council investiture and i will do it.Yes, I am the emcee in blazer; but I am more of a proud, hot-blooded Hwachongian. All pretense of aloofness and composure counts for nothing when I answer the call of my Hwachongian brothers.

New Year. Vast Changes.

Finally returning to this blog after a long break from posting. I have been busy settling into the new school year for the past week or so; as for portion of the holidays I spent at home, it was pretty much procrastination that stopped me from being more involved in them upkeep of this blog.

Firstly a brief update about what’s happened to my life since I last posted here. I left for the Beijing Satellite Campus shortly after the exams, missing out on the fun during HIC and the arts festival in school. Quite a shame, really; but at least I had the opportunity to enjoy a steamboat extravaganza with several of my close friends (whom, i might add, comprises much of the readership of this blog) before flying off to Beijing. Beijing was not smooth sailing all the way, but then again it was not something to be regretted. Indeed, I really have to thank the school and my parents for the opportunity to embark on this trip which really made an impression on me. Not life-changing, perhaps; but definitely unforgettable.

Barely two days back from Beijing, it was off to Guangdong for a family vacation. A foodie trip, more like. Three days in Shenzhen and two days in Guangzhou was filled with heaps of famed Cantonese food, some really good and some really bad. Just to make a comment on food, since eating is somewhat a forte for me, the portions in Beijing are much larger compared to that in Guangdong. This is especially true of my favourite  成都美食. However, it is pretty obvious that the meals we had in Beijing were rougher fare compared to the Cantonese delicacies. Not that I am complaining about the food in Beijing anytime soon. Call me a glutton or anything, but the large heaps of common food gave me more satisfaction than the well-adorned Cantonese dishes.

The rest of the holidays were spent relaxing and remarking about how much fatter I have gotten, without any follow-up action of course . The last days of the holidays were spent helping the new Secondary One Malaysian scholars settle in. Both because I have this sense of responsibility to these people who are going through what I went through years ago; and because it is actually quite a good way to get used to being back in school again after a long break. I really hope I wouldn’t have to witness any one of this group to become addicted to computer games and screw up one way or another.

All that aside (“brief update”, yeah sure), the new school year actually represent great changes for Hwa Chong and the CSE. Changes wise, HP students should feel it more than others. For the most obvious and controversial part, the nucleus of the HP has been shifted to the tower block. I understand that this is supposed to be necessary because the school is piloting a new system in the HP, but being the proud Hwa Chong student I am, this actually touched quite a few soft spots. Not that I am rejecting the school’s great faith in us, but I still remember deep in my heart all the promises of tower block classrooms for the top classes. We must change with the times, more so because we are a future school. Maybe its because of my personal understanding, but I think that the idea of tower block classrooms is something to do with pride and glory. Architecturally the tower block is the perfect building for us with just the right number of rooms etc. But if fulfiling the needs of this new pedagogical approach means depriving others of the claim to the chance to be able to stand tall within the clock tower block, maybe its not worth it. Literally and figuratively the tower block is a “place in the sun” that classes (or so-called “clusters) fought for. I understand how it feels to have a promised prize taken away because of pragmatic reasons. It doesn’t feel good at all. I won’t be surprised if the next assembly turns out to smell of cordite.

The rest of the changes are mainly in the integretion of more IT into the pedagogy. Something which I have no strong feelings about. Quite a pity that I will be writing less though. My soul live in the times when Bics did not exist and bow-ties were actually tied. I don’t know. Is this supposed to be called “reliving the good old times”, or deja vu? Since I am not exactly “re”living the past, am I?

At least I read an article in the newspaper which said nostalgia was good for health. Some consolation for a person stuck in modernity .

Until then, my friends.

Post-research Reflections

I am feeling relatively relaxed right now. With the submission deadline for the HRP and HSSRP on Wednesday and Friday respectively, the past week has been rather hectic for me. Yes, I understand that its not supposed to feel this way since we should have been working consistently. But sometimes consistent effort at a low rate does not work and some intensive effort is usually needed to remedy the situation, especially if the deadline is in a few days. Now that I have satisfied myself with my efforts, its time for a little breather. A bit like loosening up momentarily before tackling the exams.

I don’t know about other people, but research was never an easy thing for me. I was not the type of person who can persevere and sustain too much continual effort. I have learnt to accept the arduous process as a price to pay for the eventual satisfaction of academic research, but sometimes it still gets on my nerves. A little known fact is that I have been dreading HRP since the first day I entered the Humanities Programme. Even before I knew anything much about research or so much as read a full academic paper, the procrastinator in me instinctively tried to shy away from the noble but long-term pursuit of academic research. For the entire year, I never forgot about HRP for once. Whenever I was trying very hard to avoid thinking about it, my sense of responsibility would remind me of the commitment I made by offering the HRP. Thus, even when I was having fun hanging out with my friends, a little voice in the back of my mind would be talking about HRP. Understandably then, I would be relieved that I have fulfilled my commitment to complete the paper. Whether I match up with other people’s standards is another matter, but at least I delivered on the promise to myself.

But now that I have the weight of two research papers off my mind, I tend to stray towards pondering on circumstances I encounter in life. Speaking of my inability to sustain long-term effort very well, I cannot resist comparing myself to other people. Many people I know are very well-adapted to sustained effort, in the sense that they very seldom lose sight of their initial goals and do not get sidetracked easily. This group of people, I profoundly respect. For they possess the determination required to succeed. But what I find even more intriguing is the ability to focus these privileged individuals are gifted with.

Upon close observation, I notice that those people who perform relatively well in academics are usually those who are able to focus on their studies and not digress. Undeniably, it’s difficult not to envy those who are able to just sit down and plough through piles of readings without giving a hoot to unrelated happenings. Then again, I am not that sure that I want to live my life that way. People always complain that school life is boring and dull. But heck, I have friends to hang out with, delicious food to feast on, drama to indulge in and above all, my life to live. I don’t think I would want to spend my whole life studying. Methinks moderation is the key. After all, the temptation for many things is too hard to resist. For now, I shall enjoy. :)

Toil for the Dramatic Arts

As I type this post out, I am actually thinking whether I should be doing this. Now don’t get me wrong, it is perfectly decent and legitimate business to publish a post on your blog. Just that I am a tad busy these few days and perhaps I should be doing something better than updating my blog. Then again, the very issue I am discussing here is the state of affairs I am in now. My China Studies term paper is due in three days and the topic is not chosen, my Malay homework demands to be completed by tomorrow and there is a good chance that my Chemistry SPA test will be tomorrow too. Still, this list is not doing justice to the commitments for 华岗艺韵 and the gargantuan monster that is HRP. I am not giving up on the other things, but letting go of drama at this critical juncture is plain impossible, as anyone who has done this before would know. So for the time being, less urgent and critical matters like Chinese ACE for the paper and Malay homework will take the back seat. Just for the time being, I will also push myself a bit further by trying to fulfil as many commitments as possible in the limited time.

Somehow, all the above is beside the point. What I am trying to get at in this post are my feelings working for the success of the Chinese Drama production. As I walk back from the Black Box to the boarding school this evening, a sense of satisfaction dawned on me. Although I am leaving school only at 8 p.m., I still feel very happy that I have at least done something towards the success of the production today. I am glad that I am actually given the chance to undertake the responsibility of constructing the props, commonly known as “sai kang” (屎工）. I am also glad that I am taking on two roles at the same time, even though I am supposed to wear a comical pair of boxers on-stage as an old man. Somehow, all this feels so good. Maybe dramatists are all masochists in that we all derive strength and elation from the tormenting process of bringing a play to fruiton. In this sense perhaps, I am beginning to see the point of judging a piece of dramatic art from the effort put in, in addition to the artistic appeal. While a lousy rendition or a lousy play would remain lousy always, the effort put in by the crew and cast is worth applause.

Presently I am feeling very much pumped-up and excited because of the anticipation of the great effort needed ahead. I never felt such excitement and adrenaline last year, perhaps because of my lesser involvement with all the experienced seniors settling the more challenging tasks. This year would be a good experience for me, and I believe many others. Like I just said, I am beginning to see why the dramatic arts should be judged on effort also. Like all the painful little facts in life, I still believe that the applause for the effort of the crew and cast would still only come from within the club or organisation. The audience will forever be full of people that are there to appreciate the artistic quality of the plays and that is only right since they pay the ticket price not to appreciate the “effort” of the cast and crew. To fellow 华岗 members, I would not hesitate to criticise your performance if it turns out to be bad artistically. Indeed, I would demolish you on the professional level. But when it comes to the crunch, I don’t think anybody is hard enough to disregard the effort put in by you. Regardless of what happens, even if I blow up because we screwed up somewhere, please always remember that your effort is recognised. I would quote Theodore Roosevelt again, “if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”. The outcome of your effort might not be commended, but your effort is recognised, at least within the club and by your conscience.

Enough of all that depressing talk. I am highly confident that we will turn out to do our reputation justice. Comrades, all ahead! Burn and suffer, for the ultimate emotional prize you receive at the end. This is drama.

剧场就是遗憾的艺术