Starting from yesterday, I am no longer required to attend Chinese Drama club activities. Apparently most other CCAs have already stood down their Sec 4s some time ago, but it seems that this change is affecting me significantly more than other people.
Perhaps its because I never used to study too much for my tests and examinations; or because I had always been so obsessed with my CCA that I don’t notice; or maybe it’s just the realisation that activities are going on, it’s just that I am not there, but I felt just a tad quirky on Friday afternoon. I had a bit of polishing up to do with my China Studies paper, so I stayed in the library for a few hours, all those people milling around busily, typing on their computer or even ploughing through revision worksheets sort of reminded me that the annual mugging season, epitome of which is during the Sec 4 year, has begun.
Apart from the realisation that the my studies in Hwa Chong Institution are coming to an end (Of course you may say the JC is also Hwa Chong, but it will never match the spirit that flourishes in an all-male environment, as much as their cheering often comes off as more enthusiastic.), there is also this sense of finality in terms of 华岗剧坊. Han Yang told me that I was “stabbed” to open the theatre for them at 8 am today. On the contrary, I was quite happy to have the chance to just walk around and look at my juniors going about their things without having to be responsible for anything apart from the theatre hardware.
Gone are the days when I walked around and shouted at people playing the fool. It may seem otherwise sometimes, but I am actually glad that my time have passed. Perhaps its excessive linkage, but I think the reason why most CCAs have their leaders last only one batch is because of the toll it takes on them personally. Fundamentally, student leadership in high school is awkward because it involves telling your peers what to do and dealing with immature people that usually does not have a vested interest to obey you. Not only do people often question why somebody equal in age and experience as them get to be the chief, the chief also asks this question of himself, and for me it led to almost obsessive perfectionism just to reconcile the fact that I call the shots with myself. As a matter of common knowledge, I can be extremely loud and demanding (basically a total arse)if I want to; but deep down I actually wish to smile and keep at doing my own thing happily, typical introvert.
Somebody said something about the internet and social networking causing people to post things they would never say in real life, I think it was Lit Xian. Not really a bad thing I guess, since it allows me to get all these things off myself. I think only a few people know that I like to make props more than doing anything else in a production team, and on my own at that; and I don’t think anybody knows why I don’t talk to people when I am making props, other than the occasional instruction to a helper. This may be slightly anti-social, but when I am making props I am actually indulging in the technicalities, all the kerf widths, mitre angles, whether the surface will hold epoxy resin, whether I should prime the board with titanium dioxide and paint it or sand and shellack it etc. Sort of similar to when I polish shoes or hone blades, I take refuge from the mental barrage of everyday life in good old hard work, work that don’t carry any political connotations or social consequences. Maybe it would be more ethical to use a vice or organise the toolbox properly instead of having another drama club member stabilise the workpiece for me or fetch tools, but that’s how I see it, which explains why I don’t talk.
Another reason why I like to make props and construct sets for the production rather than do anything else is because I get to take a break from scolding people for mistakes and bad attitude and actually enjoy the kind of life I set out to experience when I joined the club. Not trying to explain myself here, but playing the role of the enforcer is tiring and unrewarding. The only reason I worked hard as stage manager for Tan Kah Kee is responsibility towards the club and the teachers. Scolding everybody and making everybody unhappy does no good at all, but it was necessary because somebody has to do it if the show is going to work out. I guess quite some people would jump at the chance to be SM for the show, mainly because they don’t know how it feels to have to make yourself as taut as piano wire all the time just so you are ready to spring and take charge of the situation when it arises. Those few days at the console rendered me incapable of any amount of socialising, which was why I ate alone and spoke only to command.
Now that I am in the position to just look on as an alumnus of 华岗剧坊 and smile at the juniors taking a 10 ppi monster to a 3mm sheet of laminate, it occurs to me that my responsibilities during the last 12 months have taught me that sometimes it is better to be the one receiving the orders than the one barking it.
Call me resigned to mediocrity all you want, but I think life is more than climbing to the top that society has defined. It’s about those little instances of beauty that you feel and see all around you.
Even the silence and the darkness in the night; even that in an empty theatre, is beautiful, if you would just stop and feel it.
thats why i prefer to be SK warrior than a SK king